October 1985
ASK THE DOCTOR
Gay Peoples Chronicle
Relationships:
page 11
BY PETER BEEBE
Without being aware of it, we can expect a relationship to do for us what no relationship can do. "I have a Lover may be a way of stating, "I have a buffer". against all I do not want to feel and experience within myself. Being with someone, even in thought, can be á way I am not with myself.
But even more significant, for those of us who are gay and lesbian, relationships may serve to keep us from experiencing that loss which is intrinsic to our minority status. If I can fit with or belong to a lover, then perhaps I blind myself to the reality that I do not fit or belong much of anywhere else, regardless of how successfully I may be passing, If I can feel "love with some special person," then the absence of this feeling elsewhere is more bearable
Adrienne Rich has several spectacular lines in her
Alcoholism:
poem,
"Splittings, expand on this point--
which
I want to crawl into her for refuge, lay my head/ in the space between her breast and shoulder/ abnegating power for love as women have done or hiding/ from power in her love like a man. Love
can be a means to giving up power, giving up facing the struggles which are unavoidable in the life of the person who does not fit. Or love can be a hiding out. But any hiding out diminishes the stature of the one who hides. Lover relationships can be attempts at giving up or escaping from confrontation with all the forces and persons within and without self who call us unworthy. But this giving up, indeed, diminishes us, leaving us wounded.
To love, then, I must come to terms with the words I speak to myself, "This is who I am and I am not good." To love I must come to terms with the voices which admonish me for my sexuality. To make this peace may require that I let go of my past and Some persons in it, that I let go of how I have for so long perceived myself. The journey to embrace a vision of self which is infinitely valuable to me all the while it is infinitely offensive to so many around me. The journey to embrace an absurdity: that we can finally belong to ourselves while never really belonging to our world. To avoid power, not to be a powerful self, is to deny the struggle absolutely necessary to emuuuy this absurdity. Denying power we never come to this vision of self. Love can be relationships can be ways of avoiding power.
The Warning Signs
Relationships which are refuges numb the very being of those who engage in them, dull the capacity of the individuals to differ and to fight for fear of losing one another, pull the individuals away from their worlds and into a frantic desire to keep the "one other who makes things all right."
Genuinely loving another human being, on the other hand, necessarily begins in loving the self. If I dare to engage in the struggle to be gay or lesbian, to be different and out of this struggle come to care for myself asi am, in all my expressions, then I support the other in his or her struggle. If I respect and admire myself as a homosexual, if I laugh at myself and recognize without harshness
failings, then my loving another encourages him of her to be, to love self.
When I love myself and another, love and power reside. as companions.
Alcoholism. It's a disease that 15 very common in the gay community. Alcoholism is four to five times greater in the gay population than in the non-gay populaation. That means about four out of ten gay persons may be alcoholic. What's sad is that most alcoholics will never get help for their problem.
Why won't alcoholics get help? Mainly because they will deny they have any drinking problems, and we, their friends or lovers, want to pretend there is pó problem. We become "enablers" and actually make it easier for the alcoholic to continue to misuse alcohol or drugs.
has
a
How can I help someone who drinking problem? First of all, learn something about alcoholism. Here
are only a few "warning signs" of alcoholism: 1. TOLERANCE-The alcoholic develops the ability to tolerate large quantities of the drug alcohol. In earlier stages of alcoholism, tolerancé increases; in the later stages, it often decreases. Z. HIDING OR PROTECTING THE SUPPLY-As the illness progresses, alcohol becomes more and more important to the afflicted person. He or she begins hiding bottles in odd places (car trunk, basement, etc.) and protecting the supply.
3. BROKEN PROMISES-Alcoholics are victims of "sincere delusion." The alcoholic frequently makes promises in the morning and breaks them by afternoon. He or she does this not out of cruelty, but because "lying" is a symptom of the illness just as a
skin rash measles. 4. DENIAL-Perhaps the most tell-tale symptom of the illness is the afflicted person's insistence that drinking is not a problem when it is obvious to family and friends that it is à
is a symptom of
problem,
5. BLACKOUTSAn alcoholic will experience periods when he/she appears to others to be functioning normally but will afterwards be unable to recall what was said or done. These memory lapses are caused by alcohol's sedating effect on the brain and are called "blackouts."
While you are learning about alcoholism, look into Al-Anon at 621-1381. These are meetings of people who are also concerned about another's drinking. These meetings can help you learn
to take care of yourself and your needs. It is only one hour in the evening and is available every day of the week in all areas of the city.
If you feel you may have a problem with alcohol, you don't need to be afraid to reach out for help. There are thousands in the Cleveland area who have found help in a 12-step recovery program.
You may want to call 2417387 and talk with anyone that answers, or, if you're interested in a support group, call Tim at 391-5805. Any call you make is confidential--even if you leave your name and number.
The important thing is to act now, or it really may be too late.
Timothy Thomas 391-5805
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